I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
