Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
