we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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