I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
