so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
