K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
