Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
