maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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