His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
