you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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