I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's Friday. Sex?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
