Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Semen is not good for contacts.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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