Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
