I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
