FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
