he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
