just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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