he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I touched a dick in church today
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
