But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
