that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
