My liver just broke up with me...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
