Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We left an ass print on the piano.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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