I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
