Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
