I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
