I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
