We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
