you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
