Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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