I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
