I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
