and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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