what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
