mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
