I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
