My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
