omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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