I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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