FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Randomize
