I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
