We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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