Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
