I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
