found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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