I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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