Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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