I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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