Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you traded sex for a burrito?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
