you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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