I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
