I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
