don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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